I sometimes feel that, as a font of wisdom, I should be sharing myself with the world; that by remaining silent and contemplative I do a disservice to those of you who wander through the great gray murk. This, being one of those occasions, I stumble forth to share with you a small piece of guidance to a golfer gone astray.
This was originally written as an email to said golfer, nay, he needs a name. Let's call him, ohh, Ryan. After it was written, however, I decided not to burden him with the weight of having such an important letter all to himself. Would he spend his days in fear, afraid that he might die before he could pass it on? Afraid that the world might be forever without these thoughts? Almost certainly. Therefore, as a concession to his state of mind, I sent it to every disc golfer whose email address I knew.
Still, as it flowed down the electronic pipeways, I felt a groan. Certain that this was the settling of an immense burden on too few shoulders, I come now to share, with you, this piece of history.
Besides having a ridiculous email address, you appear to have all the wrong stuff in your bag. Now, because I'm feeling charitable right now and don't want to embarass you on the course (again) I'll let you know what you need to be throwing to achieve the monumental heights I often hit...
(6) X-Clones (175 grams) Six?! Well, the way I seeit each one can only be thrown three times before it starts flying like a Stingray so you've gotta keep an ample supply... Used for every shot over 300 feet.
(1) Blue X-Clone (175) Needed for throwing into the river at the end of your round.
(6) Aviar Putters (175) You've already got six X-Clones (the blue one doesn't count, its purpose being solely sacrificial) so it would be wrong to carry less than six aviars. Used for every shot under 300 feet.
(1) Roc (175) Hey, might as well be consistent on our weights... Used for those shots that fall between X-Clone and Aviar range. Which is to say, exactly 300 feet.
(379) Jaguar (Weight irrelevant because they won't ever be thrown) These discs are crucial to your game. Why, you ask? Simple. When you're on the edge of that 300 foot barrier and don't know whether to throw the X-Clone, Aviar, or Roc you simply place each of your three hundred and seventy nine (point four-one-nine-oh-nine to be exact) Jaguars on the ground in a straight line between your lie and the basket. If they don't reach all the way, throw the X-Clone. If you have Jags to spare, throw the Aviar. If the last one nestles perfectly in, free the Roc from the slum that your bag has become.
(1) Pink Dolphin (weight irrelevant... not that you have much choice): For that ridiculous shot that makes you want to cry before you've even lined it up, you might as well throw a ridiculous disc.
Enjoy, and I ask only ten percent of your future winnings; quite the small price for such advice.
Powerful, I know. If you happen to be one of the dolp-heads that wander moist courses with light pink not-quite-rocs, drop me a line and express your outrage at my flippancy towards your baby.